You’ve likely heard of business intelligence, and for professional development you may have also heard about emotional intelligence. But this may be a new one for you: social intelligence. It is art of putting others at ease, moving with confidence and grace, and treating all those around you well with basic manners. This is the realm of social intelligence expert Lisa Gaché, founder of Beverly Hills Manners. When famous people want to learn how to act at a formal dinner, or how to walk a red carpet, or how to manage their digital footprint, they consult Gaché’s company, paying $300 for a four-week workshop to brush up on how to be polite.[1]
Gaché teaches that as our culture has become more casual, basic manners have fallen by the wayside. Perhaps the most important elements of etiquette that we now lack are the simple customs of saying “please,” “thank you” and “you’re welcome.” Whether it’s colleagues, customers or even family, courtesy is vanishing. Gaché comments, “The slow erosion of the ‘magic words’ in our everyday vernacular has to do with the predilection toward all things casual in our society today. Casual conversation, casual dress and casual behavior have hijacked practically all areas of life, and I do not think it is doing anyone a service.”[2]
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Psychiatrist Gregory E. Smith says, “Simple things that we took for granted as children no longer seem to count. Go through any drive-through at a fast-food restaurant in America. Go through any checkout line in a grocery store. Stand in line at a convenience store. If you are very lucky, the person waiting on you will make eye contact. Maybe they will speak. More likely, they will hand you your drink and bag while looking back over their shoulder, never even acknowledging your personhood much less your status as a customer.”
What happened to gratitude? Is this change in behavior just our expressions and ways of interaction evolving, or does it reflect something deeper in our culture? Consider that gratitude itself, the very attitude of thankfulness that we may have in our lives, is actually the thing that is fading away. A study by New York Times bestselling author Joseph Grenny, revealed that 88% of respondents believe people are less polite on social media than in person. Grenny writes, “We struggle to speak candidly and respectfully in person, let alone through a forum that allows no immediate feedback or the opportunity to see how our words will affect others. Social media platforms aren’t the problem, it’s how people are using them that is causing a degradation of dialogue that has potential to destroy our most meaningful personal relationships.”[3]
This study was done in 2013—nearly a decade ago. As our electronic communication and interaction has grown by several orders of magnitude since then, our motives, hotheadedness and emotions have pushed the cultural norm of gratitude and the polite interaction that goes with it out of character development entirely. Our goals are often to provoke controversy, to “get likes”, to use strong language, to be offensive or act offended, or create a false sense of conflict.
The pace of society, too, has removed time for reflection and context that allows us to more readily find those things to be thankful for in a given situation. In recent years, gratitude in many cases has been replaced by destruction. Author Brad Littlejohn comments of today’s activists and agitators: “Western civilization, and the countless cultural, religious, and political riches it has given us, has become the object of a campaign of blind deconstruction by ideologues and activists who see gratitude as a vice, not a virtue. Gratitude, they claim, is just an excuse for complacency; it leaves us in smug and arrogant self-satisfaction when we are surrounded by gross injustices that we need to repent of and rectify. Never mind, of course, that such social justice warriors always seem much quicker to repent of someone else’s evils than their own, smugly enjoying a sense of moral superiority over their benighted ancestors and anyone so retrograde as to cherish those ancestors.”[4]
Most people think they are thankful. A national survey conducted by the polling firm Penn, Schoen, Berland and overseen by Janice Kaplan evaluated the American attitude toward gratitude. 90% of people describe themselves as grateful for their family and 87 % are similarly grateful for their closest friends. But only 52% of women and 44% of men express gratitude on a regular basis.[5]
“According to psychologist Pinhas Berger from Tel Aviv University, people who never say thank you are missing out on the opportunity to create satisfying relationships. People who never say thank you (because they don’t want or don’t know how to) invalidate or undermine the value of other people’s positive gestures and efforts. That has an impact. The reality is that people who never say thank you have significant emotional and social deficiencies. Thus, they’ll eventually get back what they project to the world: mistrust and hostility.”[6]
Dr. Pinhas Berger’s study indicated that it’s possible to change this kind of behavior, and that ingratitude can have a number of sources. If you suffer from depression or an anxiety disorder, one of the symptoms is being less sensitive or receptive to things others do for you. You don’t notice it because you aren’t doing well. Other factors are upbringing and education. Some people simply never learned to be grateful or express gratitude for small, everyday things. No one taught them to be kind and polite. Still others lack the necessary emotional intelligence and empathy to understand other people’s kindness or efforts to make their lives easier. They take everything that you do for them for granted because they have come to expect it.
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Most people believe they are thankful, but statistically, at least half aren’t. And admittedly we can all use an increase in our gratitude quotient. Gratitude is a powerful tool to reduce stress, enhance mood, strengthen emotional resolve, increase optimism and create a greater sense of emotional well-being. In other words, gratitude makes you feel good. After all, expressing thanks releases dopamine and serotonin, neurotransmitters responsible for our positive emotions.[7] Here are some practical ways to increase the skill of gratitude in your life and work.
Begin with God. Gratitude itself begins with God. If we are thankful to God in everything, our character will naturally extend to be thankful to others. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 instructs, “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” When we pray and give thanks to God, even when it’s hard to, we are promised to be given grace and faith. Consider these Scriptures during times of distress, sadness, or any time to strengthen your heart, improve your outlook, or just choose thanksgiving over personal pity or lament:
“O give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!” Psalm 107:1
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
“But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere.” 2 Corinthians 2:14
“This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24
“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” Psalm 103:2-5
“I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:12-13
“And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.” Colossians 3:15
Because so many scriptures encourage us to be thankful, the lesson here is that the Bible is the first place to go in developing a mindset of thankfulness.
Remind yourself of what to be thankful for. Psalm 9:1 tells us, “I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonderful deeds.” God is active in our world and lives and gives us many reasons daily to be thankful. Remind yourself daily to be thankful. Some gratitude activities that help with this mindset? Pray before bed. Go through your day and tell God about things that occurred that you are thankful for. Share a gratitude story with your spouse or family—something that happened that are you are thankful for. Set up your smart phone to send you a thanksgiving reminder on special dates—birthdays, anniversaries, days in the lives of friends or coworkers, or a special day in your past. You may have to give a little effort to create a grateful habit.
Show appreciation to others tangibly and daily. Approach all of your daily relationships with a sense of gratitude. Look at each interaction as an opportunity to express thanks. Did someone land a big deal? Pass a test? Reach a milestone in their life? Go the extra mile for a customer? Cook dinner after a day at work? Take on the trash without being asked? For each little act, consider a simple verbal thank you. Do it right then—in the moment when you think about it. And for bigger things, consider thanking tangibly. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate or expensive gift. The power of a personal thank you note in the mail is severely underestimated in today’s electronic age. To take the time to write out a thank you is a caring and personal act that will strengthen your relationships. Keep note cards and stamps on hand to encourage this.
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Scripture says, “So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness” (Colossians 2:6-7). A life “overflowing with thankfulness” is going to be one in which gratitude is expressed constantly and daily.
Favor gratitude during challenges and crises. Think about how you might express gratitude when your own needs and others needs are the greatest. Stress levels and short tones can make our interactions less kind during times of challenge or crisis. When our world is shaken, we tend to take it out on someone. Hebrews 12:28-29 says, “Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe…” Be reminded that when life shakes you, that you serve a God Who cannot be shaken. Heaven itself will not be shaken. Rest in God’s promise and let tough times be a reminder that thanksgiving is a great tool to take down the pressure, show concern and compassion, and give back to others in a meaningful way.
What might this look like? Take refreshments to the power line workers who are restoring the neighborhood after a storm. Give thank you notes and coffee gift cards to the IT team members working to restore your office network issue. Send a thank you letter to a friend who is going through cancer treatment, reminding them of your gratitude for how they have influenced you. Take your son or daughter for a “thank you date” when they help out during an unusually hectic week.
Start every day with thanks. Finally, begin each day expressing something that you are thankful for—even if it is just between you and God. Hebrews 13:15 teaches, “Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that openly profess his name.” The idea here is gratitude is a continuous action. The “fruit of our lips” is something that we openly express. This could be as simple as prayerfully thanking God for another day. Or if you keep a prayer journal, consider writing things to be thankful for alongside your prayer requests and needs. Attending a worship service or spending time in personal worship is another way to express gratitude to God. Consider, too, how you might express thanks to your “inner circle”—your spouse, children, pastor, coworkers and others in your sphere of influence.
[1] https://beverlyhillsmanners.com/adults/
[2] https://www.npr.org/2012/03/09/148295675/please-read-this-story-thank-you
[3] https://www.thedrum.com/news/2013/04/10/88-believe-people-are-less-polite-social-media-they-are-person
[4] https://wng.org/articles/an-era-of-ingratitude-1666141367
[5] https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_grateful_are_americans
[6] https://exploringyourmind.com/people-who-never-say-thank-you/
[7] https://www.behavioralhealth.nd.gov/sites/www/files/documents/Gratitude.pdf
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