How has the coronavirus quarantine affected your marriage? Leading psychologists who are studying the impact of the quarantine on marriage and family tell us that the effects are “probably not positive”. Darbe Saxbe, Associate Professor of Psychology at USC and Director of the USC Center for the Changing Family comments, “For couples who are struggling or don’t communicate as well or don’t share the same values, this situation is driving a wedge or exacerbating whatever tension is already there.” In other words, for marriages where there are question marks, the pandemic has added an exclamation point to the relationship.
But being husband and wife was already difficult anyway. As of 2019 the divorce rate in the United States continues to be about 40% of first marriages, 60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages. We have the sixth highest divorce rate in the world. You’re more likely to stay together as a couple in countries like Cuba, Ukraine and Denmark. A marriage calls it quits in this country every 13 seconds—277 per hour, 6,646 per day, 46,523 per week. About 50 divorces will take place while you read this article.
What do the coronavirus, a heart attack, a parent dying, a natural disaster, turning 60, a job loss, and a major car accident have in common? They are all “pivotal events.” Although often life-altering in their own right, these events sometimes have a domino effect in that they can lead people to question other aspects of their life.
Staying in a marriage is work. As a leader, you know that. In fact, it may be much harder for you to lead in your marriage than in your workplace. When it comes to growing that most important of earthly relationships, you may look to examples of men through history who were kind, loving, passionate—the ideal knights in shining armor. Developed between the late Eleventh Century and early Twelfth Century, chivalry was an informal code of conduct associated with knights. It consisted of courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak. In fact, some of the first stories outside of religious texts to be written down included men rushing to the aid of damsels in distress, saving the lives of fair maidens, as well as their virtue. Oh that this code were restored today in the hearts and minds of men!
In point of fact however, despite these often-told tales, none of them are actually true. There were no virtuous knights that we know of. Their true tales are filled not with heroic rescues, but with kidnappings, thievery and worse. In one true story, a maiden named Mary de Medefeld avoided being kidnapped by a knight named Sir Geoffrey Sandcroft by holding on to a tree for dear life. Later she was locked in a basement, and fought off the advances of Sir Geoffrey for five straight days by screaming at the top of her lungs, until the would-be suitor got tired, gave up and let her go. Not exactly a romantic tale of a strong leading man sweeping his one true love off of her feet, is it?
Surviving and thriving in marriage, through all of the struggles and disagreements, and even being stuck in the house together for nearly three months during a pandemic, is an exercise in leadership. God placed man as the head of the household not to control, but rather to lead. This means it is the man’s responsibility to, by example, live out those characteristics of a biblical husband, and by doing so, draw out the characteristics of a biblical wife in his mate. Can a man be the chivalrous knight in shining armor that never really existed in the past, but just might be manifested in the present? When we search the Scriptures we can find the picture of the virtuous knight we are looking for. Here are six key ideals to infuse into your marriage as a husband.
Be selfless. Selflessness is a decision to deny what you want in order to help someone else get what they want. In marriage, this most often looks like serving each other when we don’t feel like it. In Ephesians 5:25-32, the Apostle Paul draws a beautiful connection between selflessness in marriage and Christ’s sacrifice on the cross, applying the principles of Jesus’ death and resurrection to the husband-wife relationship. We are called to “lay down our lives” for our spouse by serving them unconditionally, in the same way that Jesus laid down his life for us. He died so that we could experience a new life. The act of dying to self produces new life within our marriage.
Death to self, not personal gratification, is the center of marriage’s gravitational pull. In Romans 5:8 it says, “But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” Jesus was selfless while we were still very much selfish and turned from Him. When we model Christ’s behavior, we realize our selflessness is not dependent on our spouse’s actions but on our commitment. Their response does not dictate our call. So our selflessness is best displayed when our spouse is being self-centered, irritable, grouchy.
Couples who are in “attachment stress” fight constantly. One or both partners feel that they can not reach each other for reassurance, acceptance or care. Under these conditions, we can come to feel constantly frustrated or irritated and every action of our partner can stir us into an angry protest.
Now this is not a call to become a “doormat” in marriage, avoiding conflict by bending at all times to the other person’s wants. Rather, it is a conscious decision to put the needs of the other person first, to talk it out, and to choose the best for them ahead of what we may want ourselves.
Be sacrificial. Closely related to selflessness is sacrifice. This is an essential element of a strong marriage. We give up the lesser important for the most important. Sacrifice in marriage and relationships is often about making efforts for the betterment of the other person. Often these choices are tiny and minor, such as giving the other person the best piece of food. Maybe you spend time together watching a television show only one of you likes, or you do a task that is usually the other’s responsibility. Sometimes, however, the sacrifice is life-altering, such as when it is important to take care of the other through a major illness.
Where selflessness is denying our own wants, sacrifice is a step further. It is essentially choosing to give up other options for the benefit of your partner. When couples, much like us, are entrenched in conflict, there is one major theme pervading the problem: Neither side is willing to give up their position. How can we have harmony when we are not willing to accept the feelings of our mate? In order to successfully solve our marriage conflicts, we must be able to take on the perspective of our spouse. We must be focused toward enhancing their welfare. Paul exhorts believers towards a life of godliness, fueled by joy in Christ and concern for others, not personal gain and gratification (Philippians 2:1-4; Colossians 3:12-14; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7). If this is true of how we should live toward all people, how much more toward our spouse?
It doesn’t mean that we become invisible or insignificant. We don’t give up our true selves. Commitment with relationships and marriage cannot occur without this choice. Commitment leads to sacrificial behavior, which leads to a strong marriage with a non-competitive environment. Sacrifice bridges the conflict or gap between our own self-interest and the interest of our partner.
Be soft. Love toward your spouse can often be shown through a soft touch, a tender voice, a kind and contrite spirit toward them. “Soft skills” are intentional interactions with others that are designed to make authentic connections, to grow the relationship. As a husband, remember that a harsh tone, a critical eye, a hard heart to your wife will communicate disrespect and distrust. Make no mistake, people’s tolerance for being disrespected is lower than it has ever been in our culture. People in the business world, the social world, and in marriage, expect respect, even demand it.
Softness can be shown in other ways. Think about cell phone etiquette. Cell phone addiction is out of control. Do you often interrupt time with your spouse to take a phone call? Act in a manner of respect when using your devices in front of your spouse. Softness is also being an attentive listener, which is among the most important life and relationship skills you can master. Commit yourself to talk less and listen more.
Most of what you hear today is negative. Everyone has a free pass to find fault with everything. Whining and complaining have become a part of most conversations. It only takes one negative person to impact the atmosphere of the home. Resolve to be soft, encouraging, inspirational, to have a positive influence on your house. Look at your heart and realize in Christ that you do not have to live with a hard, harsh attitude. Ezekiel 36:26 promises, “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”
Be patient. When long-married couples are asked the recipe for marital success, many identify patience as a key ingredient. It’s the indispensable virtue for living together day after day in relative peace, without constant struggles to change the other to our liking. Our daily routine gives us ample opportunity to practice patience: waiting at the drive-through window, teaching our child a soccer skill, or learning a new computer application. As we grow in patience outside the home, we bring the virtue into the home. Patience with co-workers and store clerks translates into patience with my spouse and children. Sometimes, the answer to the question “What have I done for my marriage today?” is “When I got caught in the traffic jam, I used it as a chance to pray and think rather than fume.”
Within marriage, patience means discerning what needs to be changed and what needs to be tolerated. In addition to being patient with each other, couples need to be patient with the marriage itself. Healthy marriages grow and change. Some periods hold excitement and promise: a child arrives or you move into your dream home. Inevitably, however, you’ll go through periods of disillusionment and boredom. With patience, a couple can work through them and emerge into the next stage with a deepened appreciation of each other and the marriage. Like marriage itself, patience is the work of a lifetime. Each day brings a small opportunity to cultivate the virtue and to grow one’s marriage.
Be loyal. Speak well of your spouse. Don’t belittle her to your friends, or make her feel unnecessary or incapable. Sometimes life’s decisions are really hard, especially when men and women think and reason so differently. A husband should strive to understand his wife’s thinking as she considers different options. Avoid snap judgments or comments. Proverbs 21:23 says, “Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.”
You could speculate about all that might happen surrounding the coronavirus crisis: health and financial issues; spending too much time with your spouse and kids; running out of supplies. But “which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” (Luke 12:25).
Loyalty is also being faithful. Psychologist Daniel Sapen, PhD, says, “Most men cheat because they cannot address what is unsatisfying in their relationships directly.” Seldom is unfaithfulness caused simply by the need for sexual fulfillment. The root cause is most often found in a marriage relationship that is sour. The old saying, “The grass is greener on the other side,” simply isn’t true. The grass is greener where you water it. Investing time and energy in the marriage relationship will keep it from dying, and will help it flourish.
1 Peter 3:7 says, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman...”
Be forgiving. Finally, forgive your spouse, often. The capacity to seek and grant forgiveness is one of the most significant factors contributing to marital satisfaction and a lifetime of love. Forgiving yourself and others is about being willing to acknowledge that you are capable of being wounded. It also means that you are willing to step out from the role of victim and take charge of your life.
Couples who practice forgiveness can rid themselves of the toxic hurt and shame that holds them back from feeling connected to each other. Often people equate forgiveness with weakness, and it is widely believed that if you forgive someone, you’re condoning or excusing their behavior. However, in marriage, forgiveness is a strength because it shows you are capable of goodwill toward your partner. The problem with holding on to resentment toward your partner is that it often leads to withdrawal and a lack of vulnerability. Over time, this can erode trust. The number one thing that prevents couples from building trust and emotional attunement is the inability to bounce back from a conflict in a healthy way. The solution to this problem is to get really good at repair. It’s important to consider that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Author Deborah Moskovitch says that forgiveness is not letting someone off the hook. She writes, “Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting what happened, or condoning your spouse’s actions, giving up claims to a fair settlement or reconciliation. While forgiveness may help others, it first and foremost can help you.” Challenge your beliefs and self-defeating thoughts about holding on to hurt feelings. Processing what happened will allow you to let resentments go so you can move on to a healthier relationship. Keep the big picture in mind. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
How is this even possible? The man, the husband, described in these pages is a myth. You can’t be this person on your own. In fact, were that possible you literally would be one of those legendary knights, white horse and all. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” To become the husband your wife really needs, and deserves, you must become a completely new creation. And this is only possible through the Person of Jesus Christ.
Galatians 5:22-23 lists the fruit, or product, of this relationship with Christ, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Think about each of these attributes in relation to your marriage. How does each one not only reflect your relationship with Christ, but impact your relationship with your wife? In truth, if we really want to lead our marriages and let them serve as an example to others, it will not be through barking orders, but rather by setting the example, in all areas of life. As the pandemic begins to recede, what will you be left with? Let it be a stronger marriage and an exemplary relationship that speaks to the Christ you serve and the spouse that you love.
