Growing up, at some point, a boy will become a man. Or will he? Just because you are male and an adult doesn’t mean you are a responsible, independent, leading man. Growth toward manhood is something we instill in our sons. There’s a point at which maturity, experience, responsibility and faith demand that a boy begin living as a man. In our culture today we face an epidemic of delayed and denied manhood. We have many adult children living in the US.
Guys linger with parents—about 35% of men (18-34) still live with mom and dad.[1] More men today work the “gig economy,” versus engage in a growing career. Recent surveys show an average adult male’s greatest concerns are anxiety, depression, anger, stress and family dynamics. The divorce rate in the US has dropped, but primarily because the marriage rate has plummeted.[2] Young married adults are vanishing. In the 1950s, a man married on average at age 23. Today he’s not likely to be married until his 30s.[3] This has created, in both men and women, a phase of slow adulthood, a 10-15 year period after high school where young adults are “finding themselves”. Overall, males are less financially stable, less independent, less emotionally healthy, lesser providers for their families, and less directed in their personal and professional ambitions, than at any time in recent memory. But is that all there is to manhood?
In the 1960s, movie characters like James Bond perpetuated a certain image of manhood—sexy and promiscuous, in control, licensed to kill. Photo: MGM
Scripture tells us of manhood to “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.” (1 Corinthians 16:13-14). The Apostle Paul also writes to the church at Corinth, “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways” (1 Corinthians 13:11). These verses are among the ample spiritual instruction indicating that manhood is a distinct state, and that this development into maturity is expected of Christian males. When Paul writes, “Act like men,” he is talking to people who understand what he means. Is manhood, then, a question of position, or of character, or of knowledge, or experience? What does it take to be a man?
Men own up. The Bible contains responsibilities given to man by God. In Genesis, we read that God gave man dominion over His creation, and the job of tending to it (Genesis 2:15). Spiritually, the Bible also give man clear direction in his responsibilities: “The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man” (Ecclesiastes 12:13). Note that God’s command to man to work comes before sin enters into creation, making work a part of God’s perfect creation order. Man was created, in part, to work.
Today about 30% of all adult men in the US are not working, nor looking for work. This is not a result of the pandemic. The labor force participation rate for men (ages 18-64) peaked in 1949 and has been going down ever since, standing at just 67% today.[4] Let’s not argue the various social, economic and political reasons this is true. Rather, consider that a male who does not take responsibility for his own call to work, and sense of personal and family provision, is missing key biblical aspects of manhood. 1 Timothy 5:8 instructs, “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” Men, then, have the responsibility to work, to provide for their family and relatives, and also to know God, and to keep God’s commands. Real men work and have responsibility.
Traits of a man: responsibility, leadership, integrity, duty, service, protection, provision
Men give up. In Scripture we read that a true man lives a sacrificial life, giving up his preferences and wants for the greater good of his marriage, family, church and community. God instilled the idea of self-sacrifice with Abraham, who He asked to sacrifice is own son, Isaac (Genesis 22:1-24). This was a test, of course, for Abraham, as God detests human sacrifice (Deuteronomy 12:31, 18:10). But the lesson was a man must be willing to put God above anything else in his life. This teaching is echoed in the marriage relationship. The Apostle Paul writes, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” (Ephesians 5:25). How did Christ love the church? He gave His life for the church.
To live sacrificially, a man must have confidence in himself and role in life, work and marriage. If a man doesn’t know his role and is unsure of his own needs, he will likely prioritize himself over others. Further there is much instruction on how a man is to treat other people. A genuine man does not see himself as an authority figure, but rather in a serving role. Colossians 3:12-14 says, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Real men live sacrificially, and with kindness and out of love.
Traits of a man: sacrifice, humility, initiative, assertiveness, hospitality, gentleness, kindness
Today, real manhood is defined as deeper and richer—leader of the marriage and family, provider, filled with spiritual wisdom and direction, friend, protector, humble, loving. Photo: Shutterstock
Men wise up. A male’s reputation is a crucial part of his ascent into manhood. Psalm 1:1-2 says of a man, “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.” Who a man chooses to include in his circle of influence, and where he receives counsel and spiritual wisdom, are important to his upright and admirable reputation. In Ephesians 5:1-21, the Apostle Paul writes a significant passage as to a man’s conduct and reputation:
“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
“But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, ‘Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.
“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
This is a significant amount of teaching to unpack, but as you study it you can discern how a man’s reputation grows from how he acts and speaks. A man’s reputation also flows from who he associates with and the work he commits himself to. Special attention is given to sexual purity, sober-mindedness and mutual submission. Real men are morally and ethically centered.
Traits of a man: Morality, spiritual foundation, courage, discipline, self-control, honesty
Becoming a man is, then, not strictly a question of age and physical maturity. If you are just strong and authoritarian, then you are simply a representation of the “toxic masculinity” often referred to in our culture. Rather, a male, as he grows, begins to learn and understand the spiritual, emotional and moral characteristics of manhood. He accepts the responsibilities of adulthood and shows initiative in the mission of man as given by God. The dictionary says a man is “an adult male”. But that misses the mark. A man is so much more. When you stand for what is right, seek and follow God in life and work, anchor yourself to a meaningful career and important family relationships, and are about bettering the lives of those around you—then, perhaps, you are a man.
[1] https://www.essence.com/love/study-shows-more-young-men-still-live-at-home/
[2] https://www.census.gov/library/stories/2023/07/marriage-divorce-rates.html
[3] https://thehill.com/homenews/state-watch/4032467-americans-are-waiting-longer-and-longer-to-get-married
[4] https://finance.yahoo.com/news/7-ways-men-live-without-working-in-america-092147068.html
Cover photo: Shutterstock
Here are some common questions we receive from table leaders, and some suggestions for how to maintain best practices and grow in life and leadership.