Building Emotional Intelligence
Learning to “read the room” is a crucial facet of leadership. To do this well, you need emotional intelligence. Your EQ is, according to VeryWellMind, “the ability to perceive, interpret, demonstrate, control, evaluate, and use emotions to communicate with and relate to others effectively and constructively.”[1] In other words, are you able to discern where others are emotionally, and how they are perceiving or reacting to you? VeryWellMind goes on to explain that those with emotional intelligence may possess:
An ability to identify and describe what people are feeling
An awareness of personal strengths and limitations
Self-confidence and self-acceptance
The ability to let go of mistakes
An ability to accept and embrace change
A strong sense of curiosity, particularly about other people
Feelings of empathy and concern for others
Showing sensitivity to the feelings of other people
Accepting responsibility for mistakes
The ability to manage emotions in difficult situations
Emotional intelligence is a spiritual quality as well as a leadership quality. The Proverbs speak heavily on our speech and wisdom as important factors for leaders. Consider how these verses indicate the importance of a high EQ:
“A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” Proverbs 29:11
“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18
“Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” Proverbs 16:32
“Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it.” Proverbs 3:27
“By insolence comes nothing but strife, but with those who take advice is wisdom.” Proverbs 13:10
Here you see the importance of EQ in managing and building healthy relationships. This is for all of life, but with respect to work and leadership, a healthy amount of emotional intelligence guides our actions and helps us to focus on wise words, wise choices and reserved and helpful actions. How can you best build up your emotional intelligence?
Think carefully about your actions. An emotionally intelligent leader understands that his actions indicate his emotional state. When you act, consider if what you are doing his helping or hindering the situation, and what your actions may be communicating to those around you. Scripture indicates our actions should line up with Scripture’s teaching. James 1:22 instructs, “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.” Here James is detailing the emotionally-intelligent trait of self-management. Are you stressed, annoyed, uninspired, deflated? Learn to recognize these feelings and put them into context so you can address situations and needs with greater insight.
In today’s culture it is so easy to act flippantly, or out of anger or frustration. An emotionally intelligent leader realizes that their attitude is revealed in the way they act, and is careful to communicate positively to others and to God’s glory in what they do. His demeanor regardless of the circumstance should be calm, collected, thoughtful and observant. If your tendency as a leader is to stir the pot emotionally in a given situation, it’s an indicator that you need to work on emotional intelligence.
Harness and manage your emotions. To have emotions is a part of being human. To act or react based on them, or to let them govern your actions, is a sign that you lack emotional intelligence. Proverbs 16:32 promises, “Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” Here we see the connect between someone who governs their emotions (anger, in this case) well, and the leader who ultimately wins. Emotional intelligence is “ruling the spirit” by setting aside anger, bitterness, wrath, frustration, ugliness, rudeness, and instead responding with kindness, gentleness, self-control.
Why? Because negative emotions seldom if ever help the situation. Instead they tend to create division and stir up ill-conceived actions. We see this in our society now as the mob mentality or cancel culture. People with low emotional intelligence glom on to revenge thinking and aren’t at all interested in actually solving the problem or reconciling people. When you reign in your emotions, you help to build relationships, reduce stress, defuse conflict and improve people’s overall satisfaction.[2] A factor in emotional intelligence is self-awareness. Like self-management, self-awareness is an examination of your own feelings on a matter, determining where they come from, and refusing to act on those emotions.
Under stress, consider the bigger picture. Colossians 3:2 tells us to, “Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth.” An emotionally intelligent leader is observant not only of others, but of his ultimate goal in light of present—especially difficult—circumstances. If you are able to keep larger goals in mind through stressful moments, you’re also able to have empathy for others. In other words, you can connect emotionally by taking into account others’ feels and points of view. Empathy enables the relationship connections necessary to move people and organizations forward. You cannot develop emotional intelligence if you are constantly thinking only of yourself. EQ takes an others first mentality.
Emotionally intelligent leaders spend time working on interpersonal skills. These leaders do not issue dictates from a corner office. Instead they spend time with people building trust, rapport and respect with colleagues. This gives him the ability to inspire, guide and develop others. An emotionally intelligent leader knows where they are going, and their organization. Instead of wallowing in an emotional trench, he is leading the people in his sphere of influence to their best selves and toward the larger goal.