We all have rules in life and work. What to say, how to act, who to respect, where to get ahead. What is the origin of these rules? That’s vague, because to some extent we all make up these rules for ourselves. There are rules and laws that govern everything from how to drive a car to the proper formula for a term paper to parliamentary procedure for a meeting. However, the vast majority of rules in our lives are those that we determine make our own world what it should be. They’re largely unwritten rules—social rules that we follow as members of our culture. You determine the type of people you befriend, the kind of work you find valuable and the vast majority of how your time is spent.
This internalized set of rules is different for every person. They are formed through our experiences from an early age until now, our hopes and dreams and desires, our perception of right and wrong, our background in religious faith, our relationships with friends and family, and other factors. Though there are some commonalities among us, no two persons live by the same exact set of rules for their lives. Why is this important?
You cannot predict how someone will act in a given situation. Sometimes they do what you expect, and sometimes they surprise you, good and bad. A myriad of factors are involved in how a person acts, and most of the time we only know a small fraction of the whole story. Recently, true crime podcasts have become very popular. These serialized stories and discussions begin with an actual crime. Then, episode by episode, they unpack the suspect’s history, motives, actions, emotions. With each fact revealed the crime gets more and more complex. What looked straightforward in the beginning becomes incredibly complicated upon deeper investigation.
True crime stories are just one example of how the motivation behind a person’s actions are unpredictable and, largely, unknown. You may be involved in conflicts, disagreements, offenses, even fights, and yet never really discern the motive behind the actions. 1 Peter 3:15-16 tells us how to handle tough questions and concerns we may find ourselves facing: “But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.” Our gentleness and respect toward others will reflect well not only on ourselves, but on Christ.
Nothing others say or do is because of you. A person may offend, frustrate or anger another, but realize that these things do not cause someone to act. Each person is independent of every other, and his or her actions are their own. Our tendency is to take offense personally—that is, to permanently disrupt a relationship because we are upset by someone else’s words or actions. We do this because of our ego—our sense of self-importance, bolstered by a me-always society—makes us prone to think that everything occurring in our sphere of influence is because of us.
We assume in taking something personally that the other party offended us on purpose. They knew what they said or did would provoke us, and did it anyway. Because we never know how someone will act, and those actions are always independent actions, however, this is almost never the case. In Dale Carnegie’s famous book, How to Win Friend’s and Influence People, he states after some research that the average person spends about 95% of their time thinking about himself.[1] When something occurs in life or work, people aren’t considering you at all. Rather they are engrossed in their own story and dwelling almost entirely on themselves.
A level-headed leader doesn’t take things personally. They’re able to separate the attitude, words and actions of others from their relationships with them. More importantly, they are able to seek clarification and reconciliation in those instances. This is following the Bible’s instruction to be peacemakers. Matthew 5:19 promises, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” Smart leaders realize that the goal in a conflict is not to determine who was offended, but rather to solve the underlying issue. Faith-centered leaders must learn the importance of letting things go.
Police officers are often placed in the middle of conflict. They are called to a standoff or a domestic disturbance, or they stop a driver for speeding who is late for an important engagement. In these instances, tempers flare, and the officer might be called names or threatened. Is this personal toward the officer? No, conflict often causes people to act with passion and anger. Officers are trained in de-escalation. The talk slowly and respectfully. They ask open-ended questions. They attempt to build rapport with their subjects. And they adopt a friendly instead of defensive posture. They’ve been trained not to take it personally.
Is it ever personal? If almost all people are constantly thinking of themselves, and words and actions are not a reflection of you, then is there any circumstance where you should take something personally? The answer is yes—but not in the way you might be thinking. A faith-centered leader does not take personal offense. Rather, he seeks ways to take conflict, disagreement and offense, and engage the other person. The Bible gives us instruction on dealing with others, especially related to conflict. Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us to “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Because people are unpredictable, we should always be ready to respond with grace, kindness and forgiveness.
[1] https://forimpact.org/spend-95-time-thinking-story/
Mark Maynard