Leaders who learn how and when to say “no” possess a powerful skill that benefits both their own personal growth and the organizations they serve. The 6Q Blog says, “With one strike it can both free up the person saying it and crush the hopes of the person on the receiving end. Because of this, some leaders misuse it or are altogether afraid to say no.”[1] Our society has a tremendous reluctance to simply say “no”. Credit cards are “declined”. To an invitation we say “maybe another time” or “I wish I were able to” or “I will have to take a raincheck”. To a job or opening, we’ll say “It doesn’t sound like a good fit”.
Succumbing to the urge to avoid conflict and confrontation, we will often say “yes” to things we have no time for, that will take us away from more important priorities, or that will engage us in activity that has no real meaning for us. Saying “no” really communicates that we are in control of our own life and decisions. The first step for a leader to confidently and politely say “no” is to think through the reasons why to say “no” in the first place. A thoughtful and considered “no”, delivered at the right time, can be well received. A hasty, bad “no” can break relationships or communicate the wrong message. Scripture reminds us, “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil” (Matthew 5:37). When should you say “no”?
Say no to the obvious. Harvard Business Review’s Bruce Tulgan writes, “You should say no to things that are not allowed, cannot be done, or that, on balance, should not be done. If there are procedures, guidelines, or regulations that prohibit you from doing something—or someone has already made it clear that this category of work is off-limits to you—then you simply give a straight no.”[2] If it is outright sin, say no. How might you say it? “I don’t have discretion here. This request violates policy/rules/law. So you really shouldn’t make the request of me at all. I won’t do it.” When it comes to the obvious no, just shut it down completely and simply. Philippians 4:8 reminds us where our focus should lie: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
Say no to overcommitment. It’s a good practice to say no to requests or opportunities that will overload you. Consider the time involved in the ask—then double it, because it always takes more time than you think. Look at your calendar of commitments at work, home and in the community. There will always be things you will want to do, but if you are honest with yourself, you don’t have time to do. Respond kindly: “I’m already committed to other responsibilities and projects. I’d love to do this for you at a later time. If that’s not possible, I’d love to be of service somehow in the future.”
Solomon warns in Proverbs 23:4-5, “Do not toil to acquire wealth; be discerning enough to desist. When your eyes light on it, it is gone, for suddenly it sprouts wings, flying like an eagle toward heaven.” He tells us here that overcommitment for the sake of riches and material things is unwise—those things will be gone in an instant. Don’t press your time into areas to gain that which does not last.
Say no to redirected investment. Now the “no” gets tricky. What happens when you have an ask or opportunity that is a good fit for you, and you are eager to say “yes”, but on reflection, you know this will create inflexibility in other important areas—like your wife, family or church? This kind of request is called redirected investment—The ask is of benefit to you, but at a deeper level, it will cause you to redirect time and other resources from more important priorities. When you say “yes” in this case, you don’t immediately think about less time with your children, or canceling husband/wife date night, or forgoing a family baseball outing.
Proverbs 16:3 instructs, “Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established.” It’s a reminder to focus on those areas in life and work that really matter. Don’t make room for commitments that are spiritually, personally or professionally unimportant, no matter how positive or good they may seem in the moment. Clinical psychologist Dr. Emily Anhalt reminds us, “It’s also possible that you say yes because you deeply want to help. But you forget that your ability to accommodate others isn’t an endless well.” Saying “no” is one of the best forms of self-care in which you can engage.
Making room for yes. Learning to say “no” well, and often, creates opportunities for a leader’s “yes”. Bruce Tulgan explains, “Every good no makes room for a better yes—one that adds value, builds relationships, and enhances your reputation.” Romans 12:2 says, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” There are excellent “yeses” available to you that will enhance your life and put you closer to your big-rock goals. That is, if you have the determination to make room for them by a firm and confident “no”.
People in general and leaders in particular are proficient in making choices. Our culture is organized around constant choice-making. Choices are literally everywhere, all the time.