Leaders are often in the position to make peace between parties, to determine direction or to come to agreement or compromise. We might assume that a leader is always responsible for bringing parties into harmony—a state where all parties are of one mind or final viewpoint. But this is not the nature of relationships nor within the ability of even a great leader to bring about. Instead a leader must learn the skill and be able to teach others how to live in disagreement.
In the New Testament we see Paul and his disciple, Barnabas, in disagreement about where they should travel and preach the gospel. The Bible says, “They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company” (Acts 15:39). The Bible doesn’t tell us that they argued back and forth to determine a decision, or came to a compromise, but rather just parted ways. Further, they both continued their mission separately as they both saw it. In today’s world we would say they agreed to disagree. But it was such a profound disagreement that they determined to go their separate ways. Is this a lesson the Bible is teaching us about living in disagreement? We need to look at “the whole counsel of Scripture” to find practical principles we can follow.
Whenever possible, don’t argue. Scripture is clear to faith-centered leaders about arguments and fights, instructing that we should avoid them and live at peace with others. 2 Timothy 2:23-24 reminds us, “Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.” We all know leaders prone to quarrel—they’ll argue about anything with anyone. The Bible strictly forbids this kind of leadership as foolish. We must realize there are many minor differences that are not worth argument. A leader must look at the argument, ask himself whether it will really matter in time, and choose peaceful coexistence over a fight the majority of the time.
However, living at peace does not mean we live in complete agreement. Choosing not to argue does not mean we are in agreement. This is where tolerance, the definition of which has become so maligned in our culture, comes into play. A leader with a tolerance for disagreement places his relationships and long-term influence above short-term fights. Tolerance means, “the ability to allow the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with.”
Question: When it comes to disagreement, do you favor argument, or tolerance?
For disagreement, have a process. A leader who is prone to fight often prepares for battle versus prepares for negotiation. A warrior puts on his armor and grabs his weapons and prepares to wound the other party. A negotiator, rather, studies his opponent and the other viewpoints, context, experiences and history in order to devise a strategy to restore the relationship. This is the goal of a statesman, and it is what the Bible prefers over argument. Matthew 18:15-16 tells us how to handle disagreements (with other Christians): “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.”
Notice the seriousness required for this process—if your brother or sister sins. The Bible says to go to the other person privately and work it out. If that doesn’t work, establish a more formal process with others in the room. Whether dealing with a disagreement with another Christian or not, the idea of handling the matter privately is of great importance. A leader who brings another aside privately is telling them by their handling that they value the relationship and reputation above the matter itself. The Bible says, “Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city” (Proverbs 16:32).
Question: When it comes to disagreement, do you favor being a warrior, or a being a stateman?
Distill the argument in your mind. There’s a difference between a brewery and a distillery when it comes to producing alcohol. A brewery adds ingredients, and alcohol results through chemical fermentation. In this process, substances are added and changed to create the product. But in a distillery, the liquid is heated and cooled, and then condensed, and the collected result becomes the product. Distilling, then, is a process that removes substances to create the product. In disagreement, the leader should distill, versus brew, the argument in their mind. That is, to live in disagreement, determine the essence of where you are at odds.
When you distill a disagreement, it gives you context to avoid argument and favor the relationship. When the disagreement arises in the future, you’ll recall the other party’s experiences, or history, or viewpoint for life or work, that is the root of why you disagree. Or, it may be the other person is not a Christ-follower, and so their worldview lacks faith or biblical knowledge. This distilled reasoning will help you treat disagreement with modesty, humility and kindness.
Colossians 3:8 tell us, “But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.” Are you know as hot-headed, a single wrong phrase or minor argument will get you boiling? The hot-headed leader adds to the argument, brewing up a simple matter by adding other disagreements until the argument itself has fermented into something completely different. The Bible says this leader is bent toward anger, malice, slander. We can rid ourselves of hot-headedness when we distill the disagreement, asking, “What is the essence of what is keeping us apart?” Then, “How do I best handle this relationship in light of this distilled difference between us?”
Question: When it comes to disagreement, do you brew an argument, or distill the differences?
Did Paul and Barnabas ever get past their sharp disagreement? There is some evidence to suggest that they did indeed renew their friendship later in ministry. As Paul closes his letter the church at Colossae, many years after the events of Acts 15, he says, “Aristarchus my fellow prisoner wishes to be remembered to you, as does Mark the relative of Barnabas. You received instructions concerning him; if he comes to you give him a hearty a welcome.” Paul’s words are to give John-Mark (who he also disagreed with) and Barnabas a very strong and brotherly welcome. Barnabas mentored Mark, to the point where Paul considers him a very important helper in his own ministry (2 Timothy 4:11). Thought the Bible never tells us that Paul and Barnabas came into agreement with each other, they did learn to live in disagreement, for the sake of their friendship, and ministry, and greater good.
There’s nothing wrong with being likeable and agreeable as a leader—but to a point. Likeability is not universal. No matter how focused a leader is on building relationships, exhibiting empathy and listening well, he will not be universally liked.