We’re looking back now at cultural changes brought about by the pandemic. Of note is that the number of unruly passengers on airplanes skyrocketed in 2021. Typically there are about 150 incidents per year that are investigated on airplanes (2006-2020), most often involving intoxicated passengers. During the “mask mandate” year of 2021, there were 923 investigations. The rate rose from 2 incidents per 10,000 flights to 13—a six-fold increase.[1] The total number of incidents in 2021 (including those resolved without investigation) was 4,941. About 72% were mask-related.

More flyers are losing their cool than ever before. But it’s not just on airplanes. Fights and conflicts in schools among students, work-related violence and conflict, and violent crimes in cities are at all-time highs. Throughout our culture the evidence points to a society that is losing its ability to resolve our conflicts with one another.

Undoubtedly we are more connected than ever before through electronic means. Yet our collective ability to navigate difficult conversations, especially conflict, is terrible. Perhaps our connections have become echo-chambers for groupthink. More than ever we congregate around people with similar ideas and mindsets, to the exclusion of other thought lines. Then when disagreement arises, instead of engaging in conversation, we lash out, or shut down, against conflicting thoughts. We don’t know how to talk to people we disagree with.

The Bible tells us to be wise in our speech. Proverbs 12:18 says “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.” What a stark contrast to the sharp-mouthed culture we live in. Certainly in modern conflicts we see “sworded” speech in ourselves and others, used to attack and to wound the opposer. Is your speech toward others, especially those with which you are in conflict, the kind that brings healing? This is the mandate of the faith-centered leader.

Conflict with fellow Christ followers. Scripture gives us clear instructions on resolving conflict with each other, both as fellow believers, and then with those who are not Christ-followers. For Christ followers the mandate is in Matthew 18:15-17, “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”

With others who say they follow Jesus, God’s command is to handle difficult conversations directly, and then failing to resolve at that point, with other believers. In our media-rich culture and nearly universal calls for “transparency” (everybody knows everything), this approach is hard, because our inclination is to broadcast our conflicts and garner support for our particular side or viewpoint. If however both parties are Christ-followers, the goal should first be to restore the relationship among brothers. Remember, followers of Jesus are accountable both to Christ and to one another!

Conflict with others in the community. Outside of the church the instructions are more general, but also more difficult. James 1:19-20 says, “This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.” The faith-centered leader is seldom if ever to speak out of anger. Typically anger brings out our worst thoughts and feelings, which only serve to escalate rather than temper conflict. When having tough conversations, pray for patience and an open heart toward the other party before speaking. Pray that God would remove anger from your speech and open an opportunity to have a civil and helpful conversation.

Ephesians 4:29 is equally challenging: “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.” The word grace means “unmerited favor”. Most often grace is associated with forgiveness and temperament. When having a difficult conversation, we must think first of how to speak positively and kindly with others. Does this mean even when we are wronged, that we should be the first to reach out to ask forgiveness? Yes, that’s exactly what it means. Again here the objective is not to “win” the argument, but to restore the relationship.

An approach that values restoration. This is the key to having tough conversations as a leader—to put the emphasis not on winning the argument, or seeking personal or corporate justice. Rather, it is to build and restore relationships. When you think about it, this is the core of the Christian faith—God restoring His relationship to us through Jesus. All of our possessions and position in this world will pass away. All we are really left with of value in eternity are the relationships with have with Christ and with each other. An approach to any difficult conversation that values above all the relationship between the individuals is a Christ-centered approach to resolving conflict.

Difficult conversations as a leader must be saturated with a listening ear, a humble spirit that is devoid of anger, and a desire above all to bring about a resolution that leads to personal peace among people. As Romans 12:17-20 reminds us, “Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.” This is a high standard, but what leader who professes Jesus is not held to the highest of standards in all aspects of character and conflict?

Recent Postcast Episodes