The single most important element of leadership is forming meaningful relationships. It’s not “who you know”, but rather that you have the capacity to really know others. Leadership is always about people, your influence on them and helping them to grow as together you accomplish the objectives of your organization. You cannot influence people without knowing them, because the relationship itself is where personal knowledge and trust are formed. It’s common for leaders to isolate themselves from those they lead. Relationships are often tiered, with leaders connecting only to other leaders. This kills the opportunity for the leader to offer mentoring and professional growth to those he leads.
Forming relationships comes naturally when you’re a kid. Sometimes they grow out of family—brothers, sisters, cousins, spending time together, holidays. Or sometime relationships grow from geography. You go to the same class at school, live on the same street or same apartment building. Or relationships grow from interest—same baseball team, like the same music. Normally when you’re a child, you’ll get together with a group of other kids, and a group will naturally form. One reason this is true is because of a child’s limited social experience. They haven’t adapted an adult’s skepticism toward others, and they’re more open and willing to experiment with a new connection. In other words, kids are more willing to give people a chance.
Adults tend to lose this ability generally, for a few reasons. As we establish ourselves in life and work, we have a trusted circle—our spouse, family, a few people at work, a few friends. The majority of people we know tend to be acquaintances—men and women we know by name and function (their job, place in the community), but little else. Further, adults are more prone to social anxiety. This is our fear of rejection, or connecting to someone they learn they cannot trust, or do not have a good reputation. So we are much more selective about who we spend our time with, and we don’t easily open up to new people.
Finally, there’s the time involved. Relationships, meaningful ones, take time. University of Maryland sociologists found, “The ingredients that need to be in place for us to make friends organically… are continuous unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability. As we become adults, we have less and less environments where those ingredients are at play.”[1] But they are worth it, having both leadership and personal benefits. The same study found, “Friends help us stay resilient, open minded, and effectively smarter as we age.” To form meaningful relationships as a leader, consider these actions:
Communicate personally and regularly. Relationships begin with communicating. Not official leader communications—email directives or text messages. Relational communication is always in-person. Build in opportunities throughout the week to communicate with others. Be a question-asker—inquire about the other person. How is their day going? What is stressing them? How is their family? What is interesting or challenging that is going on in their life? What are their interests? Ask questions and then listen. Let conversations be 20% you talking, 80% others talking. Enter conversations not to make a point, but rather to learn something. Ask yourself as you say goodbye, “What did I learn about this person or group today?” Or “What did I learn from this person or group today?” Both answers are useful to the leader!
Offer support and authenticity. Speaking of questions, a great relationship-building one is “How can I help you?” Even better, “How can I serve you?” So much of our culture is self-focused, a person who genuinely cares about others will be a rare connection. You may have heard leadership instruction on being authentic.Essentially this is being straightforward with people, working in their best interest without an ulterior motive. Another factor that forges friendship easily—be kind. A kind word, compliment, a helpful attitude, these break down barriers to relationships and open people up to a connection.
Focus on shared interests. Find out what interests those around you. And let them know what interests you. Do you share a favorite sports team, musical act, Saturday pastime? Maybe your kids have something in common. Do you have a common alma mater? Any of these are ways to start a friendship. Consider Philippians 2:3-4, “…in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Do not merely look to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Simple social connections can also be the beginning of profound mentoring relationships. For instance, U.S. Senator and astronaut John Glenn was mentored by his high school civics teacher. The school connection provided many years of meaningful friendship and learning. Glenn said, “I think a mentor gets a lot of satisfaction in a couple of ways. They’re doing something constructive, so they feel good about that. And when they see the results of this, with the young people they’re working with, it’s very, very rewarding,”[2]
Prioritize and be proactive. A leader can’t delegate relationships. They must be a priority in your day’s activities. We often say a friendly person is outgoing—it’s a simple word that reminds us that one must reach out and initiate a relationship, versus sitting back and hoping others come to you. Humility, gratitude and good humor are character traits that help leaders form connections. Remember 1 Thessalonians 5:18, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
The relationship is the reward!Why form these meaningful relationships? What is your eventual goal in really knowing people and pouring into their lives? Will you grow as a leader, or achieve greater status, or have more success, or build a support system, or identify a successor? Perhaps one or more of these benefits may come from a meaningful relationship—but don’t miss the point.The relationship is the reward!Knowing people, sharing life, helping others, building up and encouraging others, that is the goal. It makes you a more effective leader, but it also makes you a personworth knowing.Remember the command of 1 Thessalonians 5:11, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”
Authenticity is the factor in your character that helps you live and lead as your true self. Authenticity helps you to make good decisions, influence others, maintain consistent values, convey a sense of purpose, and have a strong self-awareness.