Life and business sometimes deal tremendous blows. A company goes under, a product launch fails to materialize, or a legal entanglement drags on. And let’s not forget the personal side of loss. A parent or other close relative dies, a child is seriously ill, a job failure leads to bankruptcy, or a betrayal leads to divorce. Each of us as leaders at some point will face and deal with tragic loss. When we describe something as tragic, it includes facets like an unexpected occurrence, a fall from grace, isolation from close family or friends, and strong—even repressed—emotions. Tragic loss leaves us blindsided. Often we are so shocked we don’t know where to start.
Loss is a painful negative in life, work and leadership. Grief or sorrow—the feeling of deep distress or disappointment—is a natural reaction to loss. Every person grieves differently but when it comes to loss, we all grieve. Allow time for grief. How much time? There is not a timetable for it—sometimes weeks to months. If your grief over loss stretches beyond months into years, it is a sign that something greater may be at work in your mind. In the depths of loss, don’t wait to seek professional help if you feel you may need it—or even if you feel you don’t. Few people are trained and equipped in life to deal with tragic loss. By definition, when it happens, you will need help. Practically in dealing with loss as a leader:
Receive support. The pain of loss will not go away if you simply ignore it. Nor is it wise to simply “be strong” in the face of tragic loss. Often we say someone “carries themselves well” by pressing down their emotions and “soldiering through” a tough loss. But we do not know the deep burdens they may be carrying. When you see loss happening to someone else, volunteer your support. And when you are experiencing loss yourself, be ready and open to receive support.
The first and best way to deal with loss is to receive the support from family. This might also include coworkers, mentors or other close friends. Speaking with others you trust about your loss is a healthy way to begin dealing with it and releasing it. Express how it has hurt you and others. God often places individuals in our sphere of influences who are sensitive and can be of great support during tragedy. Be receptive to the kind words and prayers of others.
When someone offers prayer during your loss, respond by thanking them and then take this support seriously. Give them specifics to pray about: “Please pray as I have to make decisions about mom and dad’s estate,” or “Please pray for my other children as they deal with the loss of their sister,” or “Please pray for my employees as they come to grips with some tough changes ahead for our company.”
Support may also take the form of simple gestures. A meal provided. Covering responsibilities at work while you take time to regroup. Helping shuttle the kids around or babysitting for a much needed “date night” with a spouse. As leaders we have a certain sense of self-reliance that may cause us to resist these helpful gestures of support. But don’t overlook the emotional benefits. Even if you don’t need for someone to do something for you during a time of loss and grief, the gesture itself gives your family member or friend the opportunity to tangibly express their love for you. Knowing the people around you genuinely care about your well-being is an emotional benefit for you in receiving support during loss.
Seek comfort. In loss, you will need time for the pain or anguish to be relieved. The easing of grief or distress is called comfort. Getting comfort takes many forms. Connecting with friends helps to avoid isolation. Engaging in hobbies or interests gives much-needed distraction. Establishing a routine in life or work—like a daily walk—can help to renew a sense of control over circumstances. A ritual like planting a tree to memorialize a loved one, or framing a favorite photo of a work moment, or working with others to give back to the community in a meaningful way; all of these can provide a sense of calm and confidence that you’ll be okay going forward.
Time is the ultimate comfort. The old saying “Time heals wounds” is often true. Ashley Miller of lovetoknow.com writes, “By trying to comfort yourself as much as possible, reaching out to others and starting to engage in the world around you, things will eventually become easier and your pain will, hopefully, start to lessen.”[1] In any loss there is a need for “self-care”. You cannot effectively lead your family, your company, or anything else through loss if you do not take time to care for yourself.
Rely on Jesus. The Bible reminds us in times of grief and loss that we have a God who experienced what we experience. Isaiah 53:3 says of Jesus, “He was despised and rejected—a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.” The disappointment and anguish of His betrayal and trial, the pain of His beating, and the horror of His crucifixion—all of these remind us that there is no loss we suffer that is greater that what Jesus suffered on our behalf. No matter what we are going through, Jesus truly does understand.
In tragic loss of any kind, the primary thing we are seeing to bring us through it is this: hope. We want a sense that the grief and disappointment will end, and that we can move on successfully past the loss. We want optimism in our heart and mind for what is to come. And we want a sense of understanding—that did this loss mean? What am I supposed to learn from it? How is my life going to be different as a result?
Here too a relationship with Jesus is of immeasurable value. In our prayers and times in the Bible, Jesus can communicate to us to help us answer these questions. The Bible also reminds us we have “a peace that passes understanding”. The Holy Spirit of God, which lives in the heart of every Christ-follower, gives us this sense of optimism and hope following a tragic loss. Be reminded in loss of God’s presence. Psalm 34:18 has words of comfort: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
[1] https://dying.lovetoknow.com/coping-grief/how-find-comfort-midst-grief
On the surface the story of Job may seem a cruel game. A faithful man, he suffers greatly, questions God, and receives God’s pointed response. How should we lead when faced with trials and difficulty?