Our culture is filled with oxymorons—contradictory terms that somehow make sense. Jumbo shrimp. False truth. Open secret. Silent scream. Government intelligence. An oxymoron that many leaders live out in our culture is “connected isolation”. Technology has us calling, texting, tweeting, swiping and posting to one another more than ever before. Yet so many of us are living lonely, siloed, solitary lives.
A recent study by health provider Cigna found that nearly half of all adults reported they nearly always feel alone. Another 40% said they found many relationships were not meaningful and that they sometimes feel isolated.[1] This constant social isolation is physically dangerous. A study by Julianne Holt-Lunstad, PhD, found lack of social connection heightened health risks as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, and was twice as harmful to physical and mental health as obesity.[2] “There is robust evidence that social isolation and loneliness significantly increase risk for premature mortality, and the magnitude of the risk exceeds that of many leading health indicators,” Holt-Lunstad wrote. Loneliness is literally killing us.
For the leader, isolation also prevents him from accomplishing the central facet of leadership itself—relational influence. The function of leadership is not to make decisions or set direction. Rather, it’s to lead others to become their best selves, and contribute meaningfully to the organization, team, project or effort. Leadership is always about people. Isolation forfeits this privilege, and so the leader isn’t leading at all. An isolated leader is simply a point of authority. To realize their greatest potential, the leader must learn to deisolate. What are some practical steps to building meaningful relationships with others for the purpose of leading?
Make people your interest. Leaders sometimes occupy the corner office, the one with all the windows. It’s a trap—those windows face out, and the temptation is to focus on what’s beyond the glass. The real focus should be in the opposite direction. Wander the halls and desks daily, get to know people. Find out about their spouses and families, their personal interests, their challenges and goals. Make people your interest. Dale Carnegie famously wrote in How to Win Friends and Influence People that, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
Carnegie echoes ages-old teaching from the Scriptures. Proverbs 12:26 reminds us, “One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor…” A keen interest in people is difficult in a self-centered society, which is constantly beckoning us to look after our own interests. Indeed it’s a spiritual exercise to consider others as important. Perhaps this is why the New Testament gives Christ-centered leaders this order: “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10). To become selfless and to consistently look to the needs of those around us is a high and important calling. Socially-connected leaders are ones who place a priority on people over other goals, objectives and interests.
Actively listen. There’s no better way to begin growing relationships than to stop talking and start listening. These are two separate actions. Not talking does not mean you are automatically listening. Instead practice active listening—which is listening to understand the other person or persons. The goal of active listening is to make a relationship, versus finding an opening to make your point. A practical means to begin this practice is to enter every conversation with the question in your mind, “What am I learning about and from the other person?” This mindset centers the conversation on listening versus talking.
Proverbs 19:20 tells the leader to, “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.” Not everyone you listen to is wise, but the knowledge and experience you gain is itself wisdom. Even if you are learning what not to do, you are learning something valuable. Let the other person lead the conversation, asking questions to continue the dialog. Proverbs also warns against talking over others: “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13). Find a person with many friends, who is socially engaged, and you’ll most likely find someone who is also a great listener.
Look to adversity as opportunity. We want to avoid challenges and difficulties in life and work, but some are unavoidable, and often unpredictable. In these situations, consider them opportunities to build relationships. The proverb says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). Difficulties in life, work, home, finances, crises—these are when friendships are sometimes born and often deepen. We all know “fair weather friends”, those who are around us in good times, but when problems come they disappear, not wanting to be involved or engaged.
Adversity, though, is the time when a leader leans in to those around him. He asks for help if he’s experiencing a tough situation, and he looks to help others who are going through something. Troubles in life and work are an opportunity to demonstrate service, loyalty, love, empathy—many of the aspects of genuine friendship. Fewer and fewer of these kinds of authentic relationships exist in our culture. A leader who wants to deisolate looks at adversity and an opportunity to grow the most meaningful kinds of relationships.
There’s no substitute. Spending hours scrolling through social media, interacting occasionally with a “thumbs up”, or chiming in on a group text about that new sushi place that opened up the road—these aren’t friendships. They’re cheap and surface substitutes for meaningful relationships. They leave us empty because they’re not based in reality. Instead, focus on an interest in people, a listening ear, and the opportunity of adversity to start building a meaningful circle of friends. As you deisolate, your leadership potential nad practice will grow.
Technology has us calling, texting, tweeting, swiping and posting to one another more than ever before. Yet so many of us are living lonely, siloed, solitary lives.