Any meaningful relationship begins by meeting another person and starting a conversation. How do you begin talking to someone you’ve just met? Do you find common ground, like a favorite sport or hobby? Do you move to family, and look for similarities with your spouse, kids and priorities? Or maybe you’ll just throw a dart at a current event, or the weather, or some other means to kick off an interaction.
According to the Association for Psychological Science, your first impression is made within the first 60 seconds of meeting you. No matter the interaction—interviewer, stranger at a party, new person at church, potential client—the reality is that a nearly indelible impression is conveyed by you in just that first minute. Your character and personality are on display and it doesn’t take long for someone else to determine whether or not they believe you’re worth knowing.[1]
Your clothing and appearance will cause others to make assumptions about you. What you’re wearing, as well as your aggressiveness and your general expressions will indicate whether or not you’re successful, and what you might value in others. Psychologists call it “thin slicing”—people decide all manner of things about you, from your social status, to your intelligence to your level of compassion.[2]
Let me suggest a way to build a real and meaningful relationship through that first conversation with another person. The best means to connect to another person is through an offer. Not a sales pitch or a contract—an offer is raising the value in connecting to you by giving something away that they want or need. In most cases this will cost you just time, but if you’re willing to give some, you’ll likely receive an initial connection in return.
Understand the reason for connection. Approach each new connection first as an opportunity to know a person. This is above and before anything of benefit you may receive from that individual. Don’t see them first as a potential customer, or a future boss, or a date or a mentor or a friend. Before all of that, value them as a person, with unique talents, gifts, abilities, perspective, character and experience that may enrich your life, add to your knowledge and widen your reach and network.
People have intrinsic value. The Bible teaches this high view of the individual. Psalm 139:13 says, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” The value God places on people, His creation, is voiced from the very beginning. Remember Genesis 1:26, “Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.’” This foundational thought—there is a high value in knowing people—is a basis for connecting with others. It’s not about what they can do for us. It’s about knowing a facet of God’s creation of the highest order. Knowing people enriches our lives and grows us personally and spiritually. When you meet someone, you’re already receiving something of great value.
Now give something of value. If your attitude is that knowing a person is of value, the first thing to do when connecting is to give back to that individual. Avoid small talk and get to the heart of the matter. If you value a person, you’ll want to see them succeed. You’ll want to help them in whatever manner you can to press forward in life and work. It might be advice, or prayer, or kindness, or connecting them with someone else… The important thing is to offer to meet a need or a want, and in that way, put them first, ahead of your own thoughts and interests. In the offer, connect your actions to their need. For instance:
How can I pray for you today?
What is a challenge you’re facing that I may be able to help with?
What would be useful to you in this conversation? Is there anything I might know that would be helpful?
What is something I might do today that would be a blessing to you?
Ask for connection alone. If the individual asks what you might want in return for blessing them, be sure to tell them that knowing them is what is of value to you. Let them know you’re only in it for the connection. Giving freely to others is a key means to step beyond transactional relationships. Most of our daily interactions are transactional—we do something in order to get something, or for the other person to give something. The sales clerk, the client, the employee. We define the relationship through an exchange. We give money, labor, or a favor, with the expectation of receiving something in return.
Adopt a mindset of generosity. There is no transaction required—no give-and-take. A warning, because this will be surprising to most people. In an age where relationships are often superficial, through a phone screen, or only for personal gain, you can make a tremendous and generous offer to others by just seeking to know them, and nothing more. This idea cuts through cultural isolation. And it confers something to others that you have the power to give them—personal value. You simply get to know them because of who they are, not what they can bring you.
This instruction on relational value is throughout the New Testament. Romans 12:10 tells us to “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” And then in Philippians 2:3, the Apostle Paul writes, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves…” Consider how living this powerful teaching from Scripture may impact your life and expand your influence through new relationships built on a foundation of generosity.
According to the Association for Psychological Science, your first impression is made within the first 60 seconds of meeting you. It doesn’t take long for someone else to determine whether or not they believe you’re worth knowing.