How highly do you think of yourself? Or even, how often do you think about yourself? Narcissism is a mental disorder. The Mayo Clinic says it is a “mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism.”[1]
Sense of self. What does it mean to have a “healthy sense of self?” The answer lies in the origin of one’s sense of worth. Genesis 1:27 says, “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” A man’s worth, then, is primarily derived from his knowing he has been created in God’s image. The Bible repeatedly assigns man’s innate value to his connection to God. Romans 5:28 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Here God’s love for man is on display and given the price of God’s Son, deemed incredibly valuable. In Philippians 4:13, Paul writes, “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Here we see one’s “self-confidence” and personal and physical strength coming from God.
God-worth. If God is the source of self-confidence, according to Scripture, then a Christ-follower must understand that confidence outside of God is self-focused, prideful and often destructive. And this is the danger of narcissism—not just believing that one is important, but that their importance comes from within. You and I, in and of ourselves, have little value. It is the value that God places on us that brings true worth. Men of true self-worth express this through their humility. A humble man knows where his worth comes from. Not from his own effort or talent or ability or accomplishments. Rather it is from his relationship with and obedience to God that he finds great value.
King David, the psalmist, writes of this frequently. In Psalm 147 he writes, “He [the Lord] does not delight in the strength of the horse; He takes no pleasure in the legs of a man. The Lord is pleased with those who fear Him, who hope in His loving devotion.” God really doesn’t care what we can bench press, or how impressive our bank account, nor does He count the number of cars in our driveway. Instead, God looks at man’s devotion to Himself, valuing his obedience and devotion to the Creator.
The narcissism test. Take time to read through these questions and ask them of yourself. Consider how you think about your own value. In what ways do you put your own interests and desires first on a daily basis? What do your interactions with others say about you?
Do you need to be praised constantly?
Do you worry about your image?
Would you say you are extremely competitive?
Are you more kind and generous when you have an audience?
Do you ever hold a grudge?
Have you experienced deep feelings of shame?
Would people describe you as a shy person?
Do you struggle to read people’s feelings and moods?
Do you rarely feel guilt or remorse?
Are you someone who avoids conflict?
Do you believe most people are doing their best with what they have?
Would you typically disagree with someone else’s feedback on your performance?
Do you react negatively to mediocre people or performance?
Do you possess an overly defensive attitude?
Do your close friends ever disappoint you?
Are you great at influencing others?
Do you react strongly to injustice?
Would you rather be admired than loved?
Do you make an effort to be agreeable most of the time?
Do you mind being called a narcissist?
Do you usually take compliments at face value?
Do you daydream about being discovered and made famous?
Do you dislike being seen as a coward?
Do people say you practice what you preach?
Does being around less attractive people make you feel better?
Do you often fantasize about success and recognition?
Are you embarrassed when people say nice things about you?
Are you often shocked by the way people behave?
Can you usually find an excuse to justify your actions?
Do you think you can do most jobs better than everyone else?
Do you believe there is a lot to learn from other people?
Do you find it easy to manipulate people?
Do you avoid making decisions that might affect others?
Do you dislike posing for photos?
Do you avoid stating your opinion as fact?
Do people say you always get what you want?
Are you a natural leader?
Do you enjoy revenge stories?
The way out. After reading these questions, do you find that in more than half the cases, your answers reveal self-importance or self-interest? If so, perhaps you are indeed a narcissist. There’s a clinical diagnosis for this—NPD, or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The negative result of this is seen in superficial relationships, lack of empathy, taking advantage of others, a sense of envy or arrogance, and preoccupation with fantasies about one’s own success. Simply put, narcissists are not nice people. You don’t want to be one, and if you are one, you want to work to become less self-absorbed.[2] Here are some practical steps:
Accept imperfection—both in yourself and in others. You’re not all that you think you are. You make mistakes, and so do those around you. Romans 3:23 puts us all on level footing: “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”
Think about others. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes—to feel something about them when they are successful, or when they hurt. Often the narcissist avoids emotion altogether, pursuing only their own pleasure or joy in their own success.
Take a breath. Before reacting, pause for a minute or two. Take a deep breath and clear your mind. Ask yourself if you are being triggered into making a bad decision. Consider other alternatives—even the opposite of what you are considering—and what the result of that choice might be.
Learn to listen. Narcissists like to talk, mostly about themselves. Good listeners tend to be selfless and more helpful. Go into conversations wanting to understand the other party versus make statements and points. Actively focus on not talking and instead just ask a question or two if necessary to move the conversation along.
Learn to apologize. A narcissist rarely if ever takes responsibility for anything. It’s never your fault—always the other guy. Instead, admit a mistake. If you feel yourself getting defensive, consider saying, “I may have been wrong here. What could I have done better?” This will be uncomfortable, but a genuine apology will build trust.
Get some therapy. Seriously, start talking regularly to a professional. If you believe you’re so self-interested that you’re hurting your life in the process, then seek out a good therapist and let them help you build self-awareness and emotional intelligence.
Assume the best. Everyone isn’t out to get you. Most people are more compassionate and trusting that you realize—and ready to reach out and help if approached in humility and with good intentions. And remember, when you see others’ bad actions, you seldom, if ever, know the whole story. Consider they may be going through something much worse than what you’re dealing with.
Get out there. Time in nature is a great healer for depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. It’s been proven that sunshine and fresh air have a nourishing effect on the body and mind. When you find yourself inwardly focused, get out of the house.
Keep your mind on today. The Bible tells us that tomorrow will take care of itself. We have enough to worry about in the right now. Focus on today, and what you have to do, and those things you can control. Make one selfless act a priority for today. String a few days together and before you know it, you have a narcissist-free lifestyle.
How highly do you think of yourself? Or even, how often do you think about yourself? Narcissism is a mental disorder.