How to Connect with People
The most valuable asset for life and leadership are the relationships you have with the people around you. Knowing a person is the first and most important step in leading and influencing them. Isolated individuals make poor leaders, because the objective of leadership is always to grow and develop people. You might be able to make good decisions or reach certain goals, but if you’re not bringing people with you and teaching them how to be the best version of themselves, you’re not really leading.
Prioritize the person. Man was made for relationships. Even in the perfect Garden of Eden, God saw that “it was not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). The mind of man was designed to connect with others in a meaningful way. Today, we know the medical dangers of social isolation. Isolated individuals have trouble eating and sleeping, they are more stressed, they have more difficulty focusing. And they are also more prone to suicidal thoughts. Yet 60% of people in general admit they are lonely.[1]
Relationships take effort, they don’t just happen. Realize that you were made to interact with others, and have been training for it your entire life. You’ve learned language, social cues and how to read moods and emotions. You live in a neighborhood surrounded by people. You work with peers in a building filled with people. Everything about society includes a certain level of human interaction. Having helpful and positive relationships begins with prioritizing them as a part of your daily life and work. Talk on the phone instead of text. Meet face-to-face when you can instead of via Zoom. Have lunch with others instead of by yourself.
Learn to empathize. Author Dale Carnegie wrote the now-famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. It’s designed to help with one of the most difficult skills for any leader to learn, which is how to see the world through the eyes of others.[2] Genuine interest and concern for others is the most powerful relationship-building tool you’ll ever have. Much of Carnegie’s advice is reasonable and useful. He suggests you smile, be a good listener, make others feel important, and avoid arguments. Carnegie also talks about staying away from criticism, admitting your own mistakes, and using encouragement.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. The New Testament teaches Christian leaders to empathize with others. Romans 12:15 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” 1 Peter 3:8 teaches, “ Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.” An empathetic person develops personal connections more readily, because he is able to communicate more clearly, is more trustworthy and gives others a sense of value when he identifies with their thoughts and feelings.
Respect always. YouTube is filled with videos of people arguing and disrespecting one another. The clerk at Wal-Mart. The host at a restaurant. The airline flight attendant. The car salesman. The CEO at an all-hands meeting. No matter the role or position, disrespect has become a means by which to voice opposition. Respect for others plays an important role in society. It’s the glue that helps people interact with each other, talk through difficulties, negotiate issues, and listen to understand. If you can’t be courteous to another person, you’ll never reach a level of communication required to cement a meaningful relationship.
Respect should be a two-way street, but to prioritize relationships, a leader needs to be willing to extend the “olive branch”. That is, never repay disrespect in kind. Always default to respect, even when faced with anger, hate or unkind words. Jesus taught Christians to live in this manner, explaining, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well’” (Matthew 5:38-40).
Friendship is increasingly rare in our culture. A Pew Research survey found that only half of adults have been one and four close friends. Many adults have none.[3] Though we have more means of electronic connection and instant communication than ever before, on average we have fewer close relationships. There’s great power in knowing and prioritizing people. Good relationships make us stable emotionally, help us to receive and give support when needed, and enable us to fulfill Christ’s mission to share our faith with others. View relationships as important and vital to your leadership. Spend the time and build the skills required to become a “people person.”