Do you have a social media persona? Many leaders do. It’s common to “curate” your digital identity to present yourself in the best possible light online. You’ll find many instructional articles and videos on how to build your “personal brand” through social media, using posed pictures and your opinions on specific trending topics to seem more than you really are, and to gain followers online in the process.

We’ve become self-programmed to present ourselves at our best online, and to check out others’ profiles by way of research and comparison. A recent study found that 75% of women and 59% of men browsed a new contact’s social media before meeting them in person.[1] A great benefit of online media is that it can change instantly. Need to improve your photos, or add to your experience, or support the “in” cause? It just takes a few clicks. And if you blow it entirely and want to disappear, you can erase your profile just as quickly. Two thousand years ago, Roman philosopher Marcus Aurelius commented, “We all love ourselves more than other people, but we care more about their opinions than our own.”[2]

There’s even a psychological condition defining our anxiety about having others’ approval. It’s called allodoxaphobia—the debilitating fear about what others will think of us.[3] When most of us were young children growing up, we can remember a car ride or two where mom or dad was scolding us on the way to someplace—most likely church—and then when the family arrived, everyone would be told to get out and smile and be on their best behavior. But this is a reminder that whether it’s the family smiling after an argument, or the f

There’s a classic leadership teaching—“Character is who you are when no one else is looking.” This quote is most often attributed to college basketball coach John Wooden. The idea is that it’s only when nobody else is watching—when you are alone, or when the social media cameras aren’t pointing at you—that you reveal who you are deep down. It’s the real you. In a highly electronic culture, it’s difficult to disconnect and live a hidden and private life. Instead we spend time accenting what we believe are the best elements of our lives and personalities, which we hope will take more attention than our failures and sinfulness. Do you want to be the person in private that you are public? Here are a few ways to live with character when no one else is looking:

Keep your promises. A leader should be “a man of his word” and this begins by keeping it. Are you someone who honors what he says? The Bible instructs leaders: “If a man vows a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth” (Numbers 30:2). This character trait is trustworthiness. A leader who keeps his promises is dependable, reliable and deserving of confidence. This is often demonstrated apart from other people, as you are trusted to keep your word, to keep a confidence, to honor your commitments, regardless of whether or not someone is with you.

Keeping a promise by word alone is exceedingly difficult. Think about all of the facets of society that are designed to ensure we keep our promises. We write and sign contracts. We receive and pay our monthly bills. Cameras are recording everything, from our driving to our entering and exiting to our properties. All of this is to ensure that people do what they said they were going to do. To be known as a leader who keeps his promises means being organized and thoughtful, so that you don’t act impulsively, or overpromise but fail to deliver.

Live and work according to virtues. Some leaders live and work for money or things. Some do it for advancement and status. Some to win in competition. A man of character, though, lives and works according to his virtues. Romans 12:2 tells us, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” This means we live not according to our own desires or the world’s fortunes. Rather we conform to a higher standard, and we test all that we do against our spiritual foundation. What does a man look like whose character is based on Christ-centered virtues. Galatians 5:22-23 reminds us, “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”

Virtues are different than values—you can have values but they may not be morally sound. Ambition, for instance, is a value, but it can be positive or negative. A virtue is a facet of character that is inherently good and just. Virtuous living requires a man to submit to an authority for his life. A Christian will submit to God and strive to know and obey His Word, the Bible. Not only is humility needed, but a virtuous man must possess and desire and passion to serve others and be a Christ-centered influence to others.

Engage is meaningful relationships. This suggestion seems counterintuitive, but all personal and leadership development is built around relationships. Character can be practiced in isolation, but it is not built in the absence of people. If you are not a person of your word to others, and living out your values in public, then you certainly will not do so in private. The best means to become a person who is trustworthy when no one else is looking is to grow into one when everyone else is looking. This is why healthy, close relationships with others is a means by which to grow in life and leadership.

In faith-circles we sometimes talk about “accountability partners”—people with whom we associate with which we form a mutual commitment to maintain and grow our characters. We open up our private lives to them, and they to us, and we talk about challenges and temptations and failures that we consider or make when no one else is looking. Galatians 6:1-2 teaches, “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Indeed, meaningful, Christ-centered relationships are the key to living and leading well, when no one else is looking.

Are you faking it? How much of your social media life is real? A recent survey of 2,000 Americans revealed that only one third of people believe what is presented to them online is “real”—free of edits, filters and fakes.[4]Most leaders are in the habit of carrying around two identities: the public one that everyone sees, and the private one that nobody sees. Only by focusing on and growing in our private moments can we become fully and honestly the person we desire to be, and for others to see. Ephesians 4:25 reminds us to “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.” Resolve to stop faking it in all areas of life and leadership. When the curtain is pulled back on your private life, let it be no difference to the side of you that nobody else is watching.

[1] https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/the-dos-donts-of-checking-social-media-before-a-first-date/

[2] https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/11/how-stop-caring-what-other-people-think-you/620670/#

[3] https://optimistminds.com/allodoxaphobia/

[4] https://nypost.com/2023/12/06/lifestyle/americans-believe-only-this-percentage-of-social-media-content-is-real/