Jesus had twelve disciples with whom He spent the majority of His ministry time on earth. His relationship with His disciples was in the vein of the Jewish tradition of the time. His disciples followed a religious teacher to learn from Him. When Jesus said “Follow me…” (Matthew 4:19), His disciples immediately picked up on this relationship and often called him Rabbi, which means teacher. Later, Jesus’ instructions to His disciples upon leaving for heaven was “Go and make disciples…” (Matthew 28:19).

Today, in a religious sense, we may refer to mentoring as discipleship or disciple-making. This relationship is most often seen in a church setting, through a Sunday School class or men’s group or through special events like a conference. But church attendance has fallen sharply. From the 1930s to the 1970s more than 70% of people attended church regularly. Over the last 20 years that percentage has dropped below 50%.[1] This data doesn’t include the impact of the global pandemic. Data from 2021 indicates that regular church attenders account for only 28% of the population, while those who seldom or never attend has increased to 57%.[2] If we are counting on local churches to initiate and build disciple-making or mentoring relationships, then we are falling further and further behind or failing altogether.

In men today we have a crisis of the unmentored. Discipleship is rarely happening in congregations and mentoring is seldom happening outside the church. Because men lack wisdom-building relationships, they cannot become the leaders they need to be for their marriages, families and businesses. We now know that a lack of healthy mentoring contributes to poor male-female relationships at work.[3] Improved listening, emotional intelligence skills, collegial interaction, a socially responsible mindset, and the development and retention of team members are all enhanced in the leader who engages in healthy mentoring relationships.

Good mentoring results in better leaders. A recent study by the National Library of Medicine found that “successful mentoring relationships were characterized by reciprocity, mutual respect, clear expectations, personal connection, and shared values”, while lack of mentoring created “poor communication, lack of commitment, personality differences, perceived (or real) competition, [and] conflicts of interest”.[4] In other words, good mentoring created more well-rounded, satisfied and successful leaders, while the lack of mentoring creates more negatives in the workplace.

Mentors attract mentors. When Jesus called His disciples, they didn’t wait until they had three years of mentoring under their tunics before they began to lead. Instead, the first thing they did was evangelize—go tell others about Jesus (Matthew 4:19-22). If you want to be mentored in leadership, the process begins with you mentoring someone else. Wherever a man is in life, there is a mentoring relationship that is available. A young adult can mentor a high school or college student. A newly married man can mentor someone who is dating or engaged. Consider where you are in life and your level of maturity, and in turn what you may offer to someone of lesser maturity.

What mentors do. A mentoring relationship has three aspects. Of greatest importance is the spiritual component. Because a mentor’s greatest benefit comes from the time they are intentionally investing in the life of a mentee, mentorship calls for a person of maturity and devotion. This is why it is most common for an older adult to mentor a younger one. Further, if the mentee desires to see a positive impact in their marriage, home life and work, the mentor should be married, have a family of his own, and have work experience as well—more typical of an older adult. The mentor should:

Share experience. A mentor should introduce their mentee to new ways of thinking, challenge assumptions and share life lessons. This happens most readily by relating experiences in their life, both positive and negative. The mentor also shares God’s perspective from Scripture. The Psalmist reminds us, “I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth” (Psalm 121:1-2).[5] This shared experience should point toward God as the ultimate Mentor, from Whom we receive instruction, purpose, grace and mercy.

Give encouragement. A mentor must be a good listener. A mature Christian will also be a good encourager, possessing and liberally sharing the Fruit of the Spirit with his mentee: “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law” (Galatians 5:22). The mentor should pray for the mentee and take interest in their life and work, rooting for their success in marriage, the home and the workplace. This follows the Bible’s instruction in 1 Thessalonians 5:11, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”

Press toward the Model. Unlike professional development or coaching, mentoring in the context of Christian brothers is about helping the mentee become more like the Person of Jesus. This is a much deeper goal than self-improvement. In this context mentoring is an opportunity to be held accountable to Scripture, to receive godly advice based on Scripture, and to have a level of disclosure between mentor and mentee that will enhance spiritual development. A leadership coach, for instance, may focus on relationships between the mentee and his office reports. A mentor may also talk about the health of the mentee’s marriage, relationship with children, and personal attitudes and actions in areas like finances, conflict resolution or pornography.

Men and women separate. Because the mentoring relationship is about growing more like Christ as an individual, the healthiest mentoring relationships are between people of the same sex. Men should mentor men, women should mentor women. The differences between the sexes present issues with men and women giving spiritual advice to one another, though this may be a lesser issue in a strictly work-related environment. Though inter-sex Christian mentoring may foster greater understanding between the sexes, the goal in this context is for a man to become an effective, godly man, and for a Christian woman to become an effective, godly woman. The Bible’s instructions to men and women are unique (Ephesians 5:22-33, 1 Corinthians 7:35, 1 Peter 3:1-7, Colossians 3:18-19).[6] The mentoring relationship should take into account these unique goals and the mentor should help the mentee conform to the Bible’s ideal for their gender.

[1] https://news.gallup.com/poll/248837/church-membership-down-sharply-past-two-decades.aspx

[2] https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-decline-in-church-attendance-in-covid-america

[3] https://www.chieflearningofficer.com/2019/05/16/fewer-mentors-bigger-problems/

[4] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3665769/

[5] https://www.moorlands.ac.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/Biblical-basis-of-mentoring.pdf

[6] https://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/bible-verses-about-husband-and-wife/