When we look at the young generation today, we see fewer and fewer strong, confident and godly men. The selfless, brave, serving, chivalrous and kind men we aspired to be growing up have been largely replaced by a generation more self-involved, fragile and less grounded to an internal moral code. What happened? How did we get so few “real men” and so many snowflakes? About 1.8 million male babies were born in the US each year—so why when we look at our culture do we see that there only a few good men?

Let me suggest that much of this rests in our fathers. The sons we are developing today will become the husbands, fathers and leaders of tomorrow. This reality makes it doubly important that we give to our male children an example of manhood that we would want them to follow. Just as you are a reflection of your own parents in many ways, your children will be a reflection of you as they become adults. Every dad should consider what kind of people his children are becoming, and to some extent focus more on their sons.

We know that Jesus taught his disciples to pray “Our Father”. The Aramaic word Abba (“Father”) is one of the few that Jesus used and that it has remained untranslated in our New Testament.[1] The reference to God as Father is throughout the Bible, even in the Old Testament. In Isaiah 64:8 we read, “O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.” This example of God as having attributes of an earthly father, acting as head of the family and household, is relatable to us. In the Bible we see God giving instruction, direction and going about His work. We see people in the Bible desiring a relationship with their Creator, God the Father, wanting to please Him and know Him.

Fatherhood is also important spiritually, because of the way in which God refers to Himself and the way in which we relate to Him. We often say “God is our spiritual Father”. We address “God the Father”. Indeed the Bible tells us that God is three Persons, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. We don’t understand the mystery of three Persons and One God, but we do understand what it means to have a father and the role that person should play in our lives.

This is why it is so important to be a godly father to our children. Because when they hear “God is your Heavenly Father”, they’ll naturally look at the relationship they have with the only father they’ve ever met… you (or me—I’m also writing to myself here). And they will naturally assume some characteristics of their relationship with us are also true of their relationship with God. When fathers act selfishly, fail to discipline, don’t treat their wife as Christ commands, or worse run out, get divorced, have an affair, lie, cheat, steal, or commit abuse—any of these acts are not only personally sinful, but negatively affect a child’s view of fatherhood in general. Question: What will my son or your son think of fatherhood in general based on our example? What a heavy weight to consider. 

If you have a picture in your mind of your father as a jerk, or abusive, or unloving—and then you hear that God is your “Heavenly Father”, how is that relationship going to impact your spiritual development? Well fellow dads, I have bad news for us. In our culture today, according to research published in The Handbook of Spiritual Development in Childhood and Adolescence, you and I are generally not having the leading spiritual impact in our homes. Mom is. Studies and surveys reveal that in families where both parents are people of faith, it is mothers who tend to be most active in processes of child faith formation.

“Women are more religious than men and attend worship services more often, and adults recall seeing their mothers pray more often than their fathers did. In general, mothers speak with their children more than fathers do and in conversations about religion mothers are much more involved than fathers are. In one study testing a diary method, mothers participated in all diary conversations in almost 90% of families, whereas fathers did not appear in any diary entries in almost half of the families. In a [USA] national study, 3000 mainline Protestant youth reported they had regular dialogue about faith issues with their mothers almost 2.5 times more often than with their fathers.”[2]

Don’t think this lack of spiritual fatherhood doesn’t harm a child spiritually throughout life. A demographic study of churchgoers found that if both the father and mother attended church regularly while raising a family, then 33% of their children would become regular churchgoers. But if the father did not attend, even if the mother attended regularly, just 2% of their children would become regular churchgoers. Of that same group, over 60% will abandon church entirely.[3] Another study by the Institute of American Values concluded that “As young adults develop a religious identity apart from their parents, or as their religious identity changes, their father’s religious characteristics become more important than their mother’s—with whom their childhood religious identity most closely aligns.”[4]

As fathers, one of the most important thinks we can do is instill a foundation of faith in the lives of our children. And especially as fathers, we can influence our sons to become the leading men we hope them to be. The research is clear though—this does not happen on its own. Passive fatherhood leads to irreligious children. And irreligious children are morally ambiguous, self-centered, and unable to stand resolute in their beliefs because they have no strong beliefs. In our culture there are only a few good men because we as fathers have not done our job and have allowed it to happen. Here are two steps to reverse this trend.

First, invest time in your kids daily. According to Our World In Data’s latest data, dads in the U.S. spend an average of 85 minutes a day with their children—and that’s all-in, including feeding, caregiving, homework. What’s encouraging is that this time has nearly doubled in 1965. But it’s still far from ideal. As a dad, can you commit at least 45-60 minutes a day to your children to just be a dad? That is, to interact with them, play, grow the relationship, talk about their day, and teach them what is important in your life, and why? This should be time over-and-above sports or other extracurricular activities. Many times parents spend so much time wheeling children to this activity or class, that they leave scarce time for building meaningful relationships.

Second, teach your sons specific characteristics of fatherhood. This is the unique role you have as a father, and especially if you have sons. You can teach your daughters too, what it means to be a godly man, but what a special privilege it is to impact the life of a son by showing him how to treat women, lead a home, impart wisdom, interact with people, serve others, submit to God’s authority and grow in faith. There is no more powerful example of manhood you’re your son can be exposed to than your relationship with him. Also consider going through a father/son devotional with your child(ren).

In Bible times, fatherhood was essential. Families in those days were agrarian. Children stayed at home most of their lives, working fields with their father, contributing to the growing and harvesting of food and the goals of the family. God designed people for these close-knit, parent/child relationships that have largely been institutionalized by the way we work, educate, provide and develop in our culture today. The best means of returning to more of the influence we have as fathers with our children is plainly recognized: more time with them. Let this become a priority for your daily schedule, so that in the years to come we may see more than just a few good men.

[1] https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/essay/god-as-father/

[2] https://formingfaith.blog/2015/06/18/dad-matters-the-spiritual-influence-of-fathers/

[3] Werner Haug and Phillipe Warner, The Demographic Characteristics of National Minorities in Certain European State, Council of Europe Directorate General III, Social Cohesion, Strasbourg, January 2000.

[4] Jeremy Uecker and Christopher Ellison, Institute for American Values, Does the Shape of Families Shape Faith?, 2013.